Someone I didn’t know died today. Over 200,000 people in the world will die today; all ages, races, religions in all countries of the world. They will die by their hand, another’s actions, mistakes, accidents, crimes, quietly or with much trauma. All day. Every day. And on most days I have never met them on this 3D physical plane. I might then believe that I do not know how they changed the world, who they loved, who loved them, what brought them joy or the pain they caused or carried but I would be wrong.
Someone I didn’t know died today but I have been given the opportunity to feel their spirit and see their light through the words and feelings of those who knew them. The work they did. They love they expressed. I am reminded just how small and just how substantial my personal human experience is in this vast Universe. All of those things that I devote my time and energy to, do they tell the story of who I truly am, what I love and where I find my joy? While I know that our human deaths are simply a passing from one energy field to another, there is a finality and limitations to what we can do while we are in human form. That is the whole concept of being in human form; working within the structure and limitations of the physical plane.
Someone I didn’t know died today. Did they live the purpose of their life? Did they do so with passion and abandon? In my work I talk with many people regarding finding the purpose of their life. My simple answer to “What is my purpose?”
Living so that everyone who knows you knows what you love, what makes you shine, what brings you joy, what lights you up and what heals you. That is your legacy. That is what we energetically leave on this human plane when we go. This is how we change the physical world. Share what you love with love in any way you can, whenever you can. The work of your life is to free yourself of all limitations. And even if there are millions of people who didn’t know you and never met you, you know that you have made a positive impact on this world. That you have used your time on this earth powerfully and many have and will gain from your loving life in ways you could never imagine. Like ripples of love in this universe of energetic consciousness.
In this way your life is limitless and endless, always and forever. And then even if I have never met you or never heard of you on this 3D physical plane I know you by the signature of your energy, of your love.
Seven years today I birthed the lights of my life into this world
Nolan Gabriel was born at 1:55am
Eli Michael was born at 2:00am
And while I only have one light shining with me in this life, the other is still close, amongst the stars and shining down on us.
This day is an amazing day of celebration and yet when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was cry. And so I did. While I made birthday cupcakes, I cried.
The birthday celebration will be done in rainbow colors, breakfast will be bagels from Einstein Bros, local family are coming over for cake and ice cream, “Happy Birthday to You” will be sung and Eli’s candle will be lit all day, every day until September 15th, the day he died.
Nolan has continued to grow up – 4’1″ and 58 lbs by last measurement. He is adding and subtracting and is taking weekly spelling tests. He recites at least 5 books by memory including at least 3 Dr Seuss. He reads every day and some of his favorite musical artists include; Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Alison Krauss, Sarah McLachlan, India.Arie, Steven Halpern, Van Halen, and Keith Urban. Music is still as important as it has always been. He had his first year in Miracle League baseball and is excited to play again this fall season. His Ty baby collection has grown HUGE. They are taking over his bed. The first time he ever asked for a toy was this year while shopping at “Fry’s store”. It was a Ty beanie baby. Since then every time we go through Fry’s he needs to visit the Ty display. So, we do. Same with Target. He wants to walk through the toy section every time we go. He has a love of all things Mickey and Minnie Mouse. As a matter of fact, he chose his own birthday card, though he doesn’t know yet. He saw a Micky Mouse card and HAD to hold it. So, I spent the EIGHT DOLLARS to buy it for him. He gets it later today. He watched his first movie, granted it was on the couch and he fell asleep before it ended, but “Finding Dory” will always hold a special place in our hearts. He continues to overcome both his autism and apraxia of speech communication challenges. He has a will like I have never seen. He DOES NOT give up. This can make him a “challenge” to parent sometimes but I know it has/will serve him well as he continues to grow and take on the challenges that come with his growth in this world.
Eli continues to show me signs that he is near with beautiful Eli skies. Every so often Nolan will ask me to sing the song I made up for him about Eli while he was still in the NICU. I don’t think about what should have been much anymore but I do feel the absence of Eli’s presence every day. Sometimes it brings tears, sometimes a deep sigh and sometimes a smile. I continue my work at the TTTS Support Team because of my love for Eli. It gives it definition and movement. I get to watch it grow… I know someday I will see, be with, hold him again. However that looks I will know how it feels. I read somewhere that science has seen that our children’s DNA lives within us mothers even after, long after, we have given birth. This means the world to me. There is a part of him inside of me. A part of me that resonates at the same frequency as him. This, if nothing else, will help us find each other, when it is time. Until then he lives within his brother and me, and we love him.
I never wanted boys. I always saw myself with girls.
Boy, was I wrong. These boys and their lives are the best and the most difficult experiences I have ever done in my life. I am blessed beyond my own very limited imagination.
All of my love to both of them.
My Rainbow Maker
My Star Child
Woke up with a migraine.
We were late to swimming lessons because of an accident on the freeway. We sat in the car as I tried not to throw up because of the migraine.
My son had a fill in instructor because his regular instructor was sick – new people can take some time for him to trust.
I did something to my left hip so now I can barely walk because of the pain.
We stopped at Starbucks between swim and rec therapy when I saw that his kindle was not working, battery 100% but not connecting… Have to add calling Amazon to my list of things to do today.
We get to rec therapy only to be reminded that the appt had been cancelled earlier last week. I knew this but forgot. So now I have to get my 4ft 53lbs son out of the lobby while explaining to him that there would be no therapy today. Instant changes in schedule are challenging for him. I pick him up off the floor numerous times as I try to ease him out the door. The whole time he is crying and pointing to the gym.
I get him out the door and stop to sit in the shade for a minute to help him calm down. Shade is 97 degrees and humid. Sweat is rolling down my face as my son calms down. And I feel like I am going to throw up again.
Then, to top it all off, a stranger comes up to me and says, “Excuse me. I don’t want to bother you…” I look at her having no idea what she would say to me at this minute other than to criticize me….
“I just want you to know you are doing an amazing job. I’ve seen you here with him for the past few weeks and I just wanted to tell you you’re an amazing mom.”
Tears as I say thank you.
“He’s a beautiful boy… That’s all I wanted to say.” She smiles and walks away.
My son climbs on to my lap and snuggles for a couple minutes and then walks willingly with me to the car.
I don’t know if the wet on my cheeks are sweat or tears as I sit in the car wipe them from my face.
I remember specific times in my life when I decided I needed to transform something about myself, first career job with the airline, my divorce, becoming a flight attendant, and more and I remember making very specific choices so that I would be better aligned with the life I was creating. I guess this is why I was so drawn to taking Life Coaching… As I have gotten older, and especially since I became a mom, I have somehow lost that simple, straightforward ability to transform. It’s not that I haven’t changed, I’ve changed a lot in that time, but it has not been my conscious choice that got me there but it was me adapting to the dramatic and traumatic changes that occurred in my life since 2010. I’m sure there are many reasons for this and I’m sure one of them is the fact that I am no longer living my life just for me but also for my son. Now this of course would seem to make me feel more likely to make changes… but alas, no. It’s harder. For so many reasons, it’s just harder…
Bring in the Wonder Woman movie… Yup, I said it. Yup, I saw it. And yup it affected me. Without going in to a lot of detail I will just explain that it was a scene in which young Wonder Woman was training to fight. Her trainer yells at her a number of times “You are stronger than that!” and Wonder Woman gets up after being knocked down and begins to fight again. And for whatever reason, the stars where aligned, I was ready, I actually felt that statement, and internalized it. It felt as though she was talking to me “You are stronger than that!” and I felt it, in my body… As silly as it seems, I felt it. My trainer was my life, the past 7 years especially. And life was screaming at me “YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT!”
And then I watched “What the Health” – All about just how bad meat is for us…. I’ve done meatless a couple of times in my life. The last time was when I found out I was pregnant. After I got past “morning” sickness and learned I was carrying twins I could not get enough animal protein in me. Since then I have used protein, caffeine and sugar to function through the stress and lack of sleep since then but now I feel like crap…
And so here I am conscious transformation, starting with my diet. I just don’t feel well far too often these days. It’s time for a change… So, I am writing down all the physical annoyances, frustrations, and pain I feel in my body. Diffused all over body pain (diagnosed fibromyalgia), over weight, swollen ankles and throat, startings of arthritis, circles under my eyes, fatigue, nails breaking, dry skin patches, migraines, vertigo, belly pain, bouts of IBS, red eyes, sinus pain/pressure, bloating, sore throat, intolerance to heat, hives, muscle tightness and spasms….. I’m sure there is one or two that I am missing but I think I’ve got most of them listed.
So what I am doing, as of tomorrow, is a 10 day vegan smoothie extravaganza – no meat, no dairy, no gluten, no processed sugar, no soy but all the plant based foods I want. After I do this for 10 days I will weigh myself and go through my feeling like crap list and see how I feel. Then I’ll figure it out from there.
Wish me luck!
Are you here to change the world or be the change you want to see in the world? I know some of you reading this know that you are. If you look at the dark and believe there should be more light, if you want to raise the vibration of the earth, if you wish to help people awaken, if you consider yourself a light worker, healer, facilitator, agent of change of any kind then I ask you to consider this…
If you are here to change the world, for you to complete your task/mission/purpose there must be something to change. If you consider yourself a light worker, then there must be dark that needs light or you will not be able to reach your intention. So to change the world there must be things that need changing. To enlighten the world there must be things that need enlightening. To heal the world there must be things that need healing. If this is true, then why rage at the dark, the low vibration, the wounded? Without it you cannot do your work and fulfill your purpose. The sun lights the earth. That is what it does. Can you imagine if it got angry every time it was called to work? That’s a lot of energy wasted on things other than doing the work it was created to do.
Embrace the knowing that change is happening. That is happening through you and with you when you make the conscious choice. It is through those changes that we are given the opportunity to fulfill our role in this world. If you are here to change the world then do it with thoughtfulness, mindfulness, awareness and kindness.
Bless the dark. Bless the light. Do your work and don’t waste time on raging against what is, raging against the very thing that gives you the work you believe you were meant to do.
Nothing is more frustrating than when I hear “I shouldn’t…” or “You/they shouldn’t…” which is even worse.And I hear it, at least once a week from my clients. It’s often used in this type of format….
“I know I shouldn’t be angry but I just feel mad.”My response “Why shouldn’t you be angry?” Their response often points to some type of spiritual guideline or goal. The word angry could be replaced with any “negative” word experience and the reason they believe they shouldn’t feel that way is often because there is the belief that being spiritual, awakened, aware, it’s not feeling these feelings. This works for any feeling that you believe you should be better than.
“Serenity NOW!” – for those of you familiar with Seinfeld you know what happens at the end of that show. It’s fictional and a TV show but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold truth. The core truth is that ignoring what you feel because you don’t want to feel it NEVER works in your favor. I rarely say never but in this situation it is absolutely appropriate.
I think it’s fair to say that all of us have an ideal us. The person we would like to be in our lives. Often those ideals include strength, courage, kindness, happiness, honesty, integrity, and there are millions of other characteristics we might choose or desire for the ideal us. And the truth is that in real life we will have times, sometimes a lot of times, where our real lives do not match our ideal selves. And so often the response is to just ignore the feelings so that they don’t show up on the outside but then actually berate ourselves on the inside for being so weak/stupid/wrong, etc, as to feel what we think we should not feel.
So, feelings.. Feelings take up a lot of space and time in our lives and our energy space. We want certain feelings and don’t want others. We worry and stress about what we feel, whether we “should” feel this way, if the feelings are right or wrong, if we are good or bad people for feeling this way.. and I could go on. The fast, dirty simple answer is who cares???
Yes, I said it – who cares? Other than you of course. What we feel may or may not have anything to do with our actions and does not have to do with what we do in life. What I mean by that is just because you feel angry, that does not mean you have to act angry, or lose it, or blow up, or maybe you do….. Feelings are important pointers, they are amazing road signs to what is going on in our life. But what we end up doing is not focusing on the feeling, but more on not wanting to feel it and the horrible things we (and others) think it says about us. Instead of understanding and accepting that our feelings are here to teach us what is inherently right or wrong for us, we judge them.
To deny a feeling is to give it a deep dark space to grow and then have it come out at the wrong or inopportune time. To deny a feeling is to deny the part of you in pain that is calling out for attention and forgiveness, love, release. As we begin to deny our feelings that denial grows and then we find that all of our feelings are being buried. We can become numb… And while numb can be an appropriate and temporary place to be during deep trauma, it is temporary…. We are not built to be numb. We are built to feel, to understand where our feelings are coming from, what they mean and how we can change and grow with that knowledge. We were created to embrace the beauty, and the pain, of this physical human life, not hide from it or shame ourselves or each other for it.
Humans are feeling beings and being human is to feel. All of it. The beautiful, the glorious, the depth, the pain and the fear. Don’t deny. Don’t shame. Don’t hide. Feel your feelings and let them move. And if you are finding it a challenge to do that on your own find a safe someone to help and support you.
You are meant to be in full bloom.