That Perfect Moment

I have hoped and prayed
Wished and desired
Struggled and fought
Over thought and acted on impulse

I have searched and waited
Cried and beseeched
Been the leader and the follower
The forgiver and the unforgiven

I have been lost and found
Stretched and contracted
Been fear and feared
Seen too much and not nearly enough

I have tried
I have lied
I have almost died
And yet still alone and confused

I give up, become quiet, surrender

And in that perfect moment
I understand that nothing of that is me
They were choices that I made
Perceptions I believed to be truth
Illusions that I saw

No longer

Now I know I am love and joy
Now I know I am truth and energy
Now I know I am purity and perfection
Just as I always have been

I am always and eternal




Welcome to Becoming Awakened

This is a time of deep and intense change and it is happening faster than it has ever occurred in humanity’s time here on earth.

Those lines of separation we have used to define, discern, discriminate, judge those things we “know” are dissolving. The definitions we have created to help us feel safe, used to define us vs. them are being erased. The beliefs that have evolved based off of what we have been able to prove or see are being torn apart. Our science and technology are showing us EVERY SINGLE DAY that many of the things most of us all agreed to be true are not or are not completely true. We had it wrong, we misunderstood, we did not see the full picture, we were missing some facts or the information was beyond our comprehension until it wasn’t any more. All of this is happening now.

What does this mean? Our physical, mental and emotional safety nets can’t keep us safe anymore. Our judgments are being proven wrong. Our definitions are disappearing and it seems like everything that is safe is being stripped away. If you are a human on this earth right now you are going to find this challenging, at the minimum, and terrifying at the most. It can seem as though everyone is out to get you, crush your beliefs and take away your way of life. That is only true to the extent that someone else is trying to continue to feel safe in this transformational time.  Many humans are scared and as those lines of separation, the very things we have created our worlds around, fade away we will scramble to hang on to them even more, ferociously fighting to keep these things that are not much more than the response to human group think. When enough of the group stop thinking that way the rules change.

In times like this our single saving grace is the fact that we, as humans, have the ability to question our thoughts, observe them without being attached to them, through self inquiry, and consciously adopt new beliefs and choose to change.  When we do this there is one single guarantee, and that guarantee is that we will find that we have been misinformed about, or misunderstood something, probably many things. This once again can be difficult, challenging and even terrifying. But if you step into it willingly and consistently it is less painful and the change happens more quickly. Be willing to be wrong, superficially. Be willing to possibly be wrong on the deepest level of what you think you know. This is what being enlightened is.

So what do those of us who understand this do? Well, this requires we look through those glasses of understanding with compassion to what we are all experiencing as humans as we make choices in fear, possibly even attacking others in our desire to feel right and safe.

We become a

Compassionate Warrior of Love.

At least that is my name for this job.

So, while we can refuse to do our job, it is still our job to do. We are in this together.


Welcome to becoming awakened.

To Be a Witness

Pay attention.

We humans have amazing capacity to adjust to almost anything, it’s a trait that has helped us survive. But sometimes it can cause us to think that it’s always been this way, when it really hasn’t. We can end up accepting things that we shouldn’t because it all happened so subtly, under the radar, or so quickly we were unable to process it so we lump it up and take it in.

I know there are those who do not like or don’t understand the all political posts I share on social media….

Some of my  new age friends (I use new age as a catch all phrase for the varied and different beliefs, philosophies I am including in this group) say to not focus on the negative only focus on the positive. And there is real truth in there, somewhere. But I don’t understand how ignoring the physical reality of the world we are in right now helps anything. Until we own where and what we are, we cannot transform. And more personally, for me to do that requires that I ignore part of who I am. I cannot do that. It is not how I am built. I have long felt as though one of my jobs on this planet was to be a witness. I cannot witness everything, but if something is brought to me I shall act as witness – good, bad, ugly, painful, beautiful, joyous, humorous. I define being a witness as someone who holds that which is being seen in sacred awareness. Yes, I said sacred because in my eyes it is all sacred, even the ugliness, because the ugliness breaks down those untrue beliefs that keep us apart so that we can be free to connect with the rest of Us.

So I am a witness. And in that duty I cannot hide my head nor my heart from the pain, fear, lying, rage in this country, in this world. And it is hard. I am moved to tears almost every day. I feel the pain. I work very hard to balance my work as witness with my human need for gentleness, kindness, softness and warmth. My soul KNOWS we are all connected, all of us, and I will hold sacred awareness, be a witness, as we all go through the growing pains and the fear to get to the truth of Us. The Oneness that we all come from. It’s who we all are.
Love conquers all.
I hold this to be true
but that does not mean that sometimes it doesn’t get messy.

IDEA – Betsy DeVoss and the Supreme Court

IDEA – Individuals with Disabilities Education Act – provides guidelines and protections for children, up to age 21, requiring special education in their schooling. More info on IDEA – Here is some Wiki info. Here is the government website.

IDEA is getting a lot of attention this month. Both with the senate hearings on Betsy DeVoss as Trump’s choice for Department of Education and arguments at the Supreme Court level as to what the public schools must do to meet the requirements of a Free Appropriate Public Education – FAPE.  Here is Wiki info. Here is the government website.

Let’s start with Betsy DeVoss –

Her senate hearing has begun. She has already shown how embarrassingly clueless she is about the actual work the department does or oversees. This following is a small portion of the questioning between Betsy DeVoss and Senator Tim Kaine.

Kaine: You don’t agree with me. Let me move to my next question. Should all K-12 school receiving governmental funding be required to meet the requirements of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act?

DeVos: I think they already are.

Kaine: I’m asking you a “should” question. Whether they are or not, we’ll get into that later. Should all schools that receive taxpayer funding be required to meet the requirements of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act?

DeVos: I think that’s a matter that’s best left to the states.

Kaine: So some states might be good to kids with disabilities and other states might not be so good, and then what? People can just move around the country if they don’t like how their kids are being treated?

DeVos: I think that’s an issue best left to the states.

Kaine: What about the federal requirement. It’s a federal law, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. Let’s limit it to federal funding. If schools receive federal funding should they be required to follow a federal law whether they are public, public charter or private?

DeVos: As the Senator referred to –

Kaine: Just yes or no, I’ve only got one more question

DeVos: There’s a Florida program. There are many parents that are very happy with the program there.

Kaine: Let me state this: I think all schools that receive federal funding, public, public charter or private should be required to meet the conditions of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. Di you agree with me or not?

DeVos: I think that is certainly worth discussion and I would look forward to.

So she is willing to discuss the application of this law if she were to be confirmed. I translate this to mean one of two things – “I have no idea what you are asking me about so I am going to go with state choice because that is popular with republicans and look like I remain open to discussion while I have someone do research for me to give me the abridged version of it.” – Or – “I do not support this federal law at all but I can’t say that right now so I will act like I don’t know what you are talking about, feigning ignorance, which I think is more acceptable to the masses than the truth.”

Video link  to full questioning here

Video link to Senator Maggie Hassan’s questions to Betsy DeVoss

Moving on to the Supreme Court. They just last week heard arguments on Endrew F. vs Douglas County School District. In this case they are being called upon to decide what children receiving public school special ed have the legal right to expect from their school district to meet the requirements of a Free Appropriate Public Education – FAPE – as it is outlined in IDEA. In this case the parents are stating that the public school system failed their child as proven by his now highly improved educational experience in a private school. The parents contend that it is the school district’s responsibility to pay for their child’s private education since they refused/were unable to educate him in their public school. Here is some info on the case.

There are a lot of important decisions currently being considered regarding the future of special education in public schools. I believe anyone who is involved with education or specifically involved with special ed needs to watch carefully and respond as needed to what is occurring. I know I am.


**For full disclosure.. Right now my son is being schooled at home due to the sensory challenges he faces being in a class room. It is my desire that he reach a point to be able to attend a public school in the future. I do not have a problem with religious schools, private schools, charters, homeschooling or school choices. I have deep concerns about IDEA and FAPE being gutted, leaving our most vulnerable children without supportive education.

In Honor of Your Dead Child

One of the reasons for this blog is to post the daily experiences that lead me to deeper understandings on life, love, spirituality, the Universe…

Here is another one….

I am in a number of Facebook groups that are related to the syndrome that caused the death of one of my boys, Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, TTTS. Most of the groups are grief related but there is one that has a combination of parents with survivors and many parents currently going through TTTS. This is the type of group many parents whose children have died choose not to stay in. They feel like they don’t fit in and don’t feel like they can speak of their experience of grief….

Having a child die is something that you cannot fully understand unless it happens to you. Grieving the death of your child can be back breaking, heart breaking, even soul crushing. It can take YEARS before the parent feels like themselves again. Not who they used to be but who they are now. Because the grief can be so very consuming, there are often things said by the innocent parents in these mixed groups that comes off as wrong, cruel or just too painful to read for the parent who has experienced that grief…

I am over six years out so I don’t get triggered like I used to. Sometimes I will offer a differing opinion and sometimes I won’t when I read a post that reads “wrong” to me. But there was a post today that had me thinking. As I read it something inside me responded intensely. Something screamed NO!! This is not how it works!!! But I could not verbalize why until I had a discussion about it. THEN I got it. This was the trigger sentence – “ For the families who have suffered loss we promise our boys will live their lives to the fullest in honor of your angels.” that got to me.

I am not in judgement of the person who wrote the post. But this concept that she described, I am in judgement of that. There is no honoring my child with your child living their life to the fullest…. Don’t get me wrong, I hope these children have amazing and wonderful lives, as I wish all people to have. When we are fulfilled we make choices in the place of security, not fear, and that is better for all of us on this planet. But her children living their life to the fullest does not honor my child in any way.  The honoring of another is in the work or the giving to others, not in the rewards you receive. Saying I am going to raise one million dollars to honor someone but then keeping it is not honoring anyone but myself. There is nothing wrong in raising/earning/having a million dollars but if you have it and keep it for yourself, you are not honoring anyone but yourself. So please don’t say it is otherwise.

Just about every faith or religion calls upon it’s believers to give to those less fortunate or in need. When you contact the Cancer Society and say you want to honor someone they will be expecting a donation of some kind. You are confused if you believe that living well and doing nothing for others with the gains and windfalls of that life is honoring anyone but yourself.

Saying that in honor of my dead child, you will be happy and live a full life does not actually do anything for me or my child, or anyone else who may face the same experience… But maybe it makes you feel better?

Live your full life and offer up your work and be of service to another, that is honoring someone.


Stopping a Verbal Tirade of Hate


Some of you may have seen this video already, it’s about a month old. I share it not to shame anyone but as a discussion tool. The video is of a woman in JCPenny’s who lets loose on some other customers because they do something that she doesn’t like. If you haven’t seen this video then it is likely you have seen or heard of something similar happening recently. In this time of intense discomfort, confusion, and fear there are people who are lashing out at innocent people in public. And, I believe that is our responsibility as people of integrity and connection that we do something to point out that actions like this are not only inappropriate but also wrong. There is a simple technique I learned in my years working for the airlines that is powerful in it’s simplicity. I can’t guarantee it will always work but, in my experience, it has helped many a tense situations. I want to share it with you.

When someone is being outrageously rude, cruel or abusive they build their sense of power on those who either silently or verbally agree with them. When someone is speaking in a degrading manner to others they also rely on the fact that many people prefer not to get involved. They rely on the fact that even if others may not agree they won’t actually do/say anything. You can see in the above video people are not actually looking directly at her,  including the targets of her attack. You can feel the discomfort of the crowd.

The simple act that you can do when something like this is happening to you or around you is to become the observer. Stop what you are doing, do not hide your eyes or reduce your energy in the face of this, and look at the person who is acting in this way. When a situation happens in public we are all a part of the energy of the situation. If we are there we are a part of it. I guarantee you that everyone in hearing range of her voice was experiencing some level of emotional response. That emotional response feeds the situation, whether you agree or disagree with what she is saying. If it arouses an emotion, any emotion, you are feeding energy to the situation. When we change our energy, move ourselves from the unwitting participant to the observer, the energy shifts and we empower those around us to also change their energy, including the person who is being abusive. Holding our space without threat to the abuser or anyone else, can deflate the swirl of rage the attacking person feels, to the point that there is no more energy for them to continue. And it just trails off…..

So, simply, choose to disengage your energy from the abusive situation and observe. Turn your full body to the person speaking the abuse, and rest your eyes on them. Make full, unwavering eye contact with them, not as a challenge, but as the observer who thinks “I see you. Do you see you?” This is not an aggressive or threatening stance but it is energetically challenging, because it refuses to participate or feed the energy of the encounter, and it can be humbling to the person who is being verbally abusive. It’s important that you don’t say anything to them. A verbal response could goad them to get louder and more abusive and possibly turn their anger on you. And then you are participating again. But if you remain strong in your space and silently confident in your observations you create a space for the person caught up in their rage/fear to find space in your observation to see themselves and what they are doing. This can often be enough for them to experience their own shame, instead of projecting it on the other person, their target, and they will stop. It is important to note that if alcohol, drugs, weapons or physical violence is occurring the person may be past the ability to reach this place, and, if this approach is to work you would have to be practiced and experienced in holding your space in this way to sway the energy of the situation enough to alter it. Physical safety is always first.

I invite you to practice this response anytime you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or triggered by someone else’s actions/words. Everyone has the ability to remove their energy from a situation and be the observer. All it takes is practice.

So practice. We may need your experience in the future.

We are the ones we have been waiting for. It is on us to do this work.

Here is an article about how silent protest can be a powerful tool.


I Am Not Unbreakable – Thank You Gilmore Girls

I watched the Gilmore Girls newest season on Netflix Friday. There were some parts I loved and some not so much. I was moved to tears, not necessarily because of the plot or characters but because of the music, or at least one song in particular. It’s at the end of episode 3, if you are interested.

“I know how everyone else’s life

Is supposed to fly by

Then someone turns and says

What about you?

And I stand here

Mouth open

Mind blank

This should have all work itself out by now

The map of my life should be clear and precise

With little red dashes and circles so nice

Showing roadblocks

And landmines

Oh, I am not unbreakable

I am breaking right now

Maybe everyone can’t have the dream

Maybe everyone can’t kiss the frog

Maybe it’ll be me and a dog

And the little stuff dolphins on the floor

And a little dog door

Oh, I am not unbreakable

I am breaking right now

I need to be unbreakable


It’s never

Or now”

I sat alone in my living room after everyone had gone to bed and played that scene over and over again because it touched something within me. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. I know it’s a part of the human experience to hit those spaces in life when we look around and ask “How did I get here?” Thankfully, I hit one of those this weekend.

There is so much in my life that is amazing and wonderful. Loving both of my beautiful boys is one of life’s biggest gifts, as is raising my surviving son. There is so much in my life that has been difficult, exhausting, and lonely. I have worked so hard, since the birth of my boys, to be unbreakable. The demands of the pregnancy, premature birth, death of one son and the continued NICU stay of my surviving son started me on my unbreakable path. Then other losses and accidents and challenges in the following years just grew my need to be unbreakable. I had big demands on me. Not getting up and not functioning is not an option to a single parent, especially the single parent who is caring for a child who faces different/more challenges than the norm. It’s so easy to begin to isolate because of just how exhausting it can be to do anything different. None of this is anyone’s fault, per se, it was me doing the best I could at the time. I created an unbreakable wall that I now find within myself. I did not create it out of fear of being hurt or because I don’t trust other people but because I needed something to help keep me standing up when I was empty with nothing left to give to anyone. I had to believe I was unbreakable or I would fall.

As time went on and life happened, that unbreakable-ness had to get bigger, more solid, and more rigid to hold me up. It is a common spiritual understanding that form follows thought. And so by thinking I had to be unbreakable, I created a metaphorical wall to hold me up, that wall was my physical body. If my physical body continued to stand regardless of what happened, then I really was unbreakable. And I did. I stood through it all. Fast forward to now, my neck and spine are often in pain, causing movement limitation, I have other pain throughout my body and migraines that neither my yoga nor meditation practice has been able to release, and I have added over 30lbs to my frame in the past 3 years.  Whether it was the “right” choice or “wrong” choice is not the point. It’s what I did and it worked – until it stopped working. What kept me upright has become the very thing that has stopped other support from coming in, as walls are also often barriers. I think everything happens when it is ready to happen. I got myself here and now it’s time to change so that I can go further. The unbreakable must break. So that I can transform, heal, and continue to grow.

And the short little song in the newest season of Gilmore Girls fed this understanding to me in a way that I wouldn’t fight it. It hit me right when I wasn’t expecting it. It was presented in a way that I enjoyed (the TV show) so my rational mind was not ready to defend my choices, ego. There is truth, wisdom, opportunities to learn in every moment we are in, if we allow ourselves to see them. (Really there is. Ever ask a question about your life, opened a random book to a random page only to read something that answered your question? Try it if you haven’t. It can be an amazing experience.) I had been asking Life what I needed to know or to do to help with my physical health and to let go of the excess weight I am carrying. I got my answer. I was vulnerable and unsuspecting when this little song popped out of nowhere and played on my TV. I heard it and I listened.

I am breaking right now.

It’s a good start.