In Honor of Your Dead Child

One of the reasons for this blog is to post the daily experiences that lead me to deeper understandings on life, love, spirituality, the Universe…

Here is another one….

I am in a number of Facebook groups that are related to the syndrome that caused the death of one of my boys, Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, TTTS. Most of the groups are grief related but there is one that has a combination of parents with survivors and many parents currently going through TTTS. This is the type of group many parents whose children have died choose not to stay in. They feel like they don’t fit in and don’t feel like they can speak of their experience of grief….

Having a child die is something that you cannot fully understand unless it happens to you. Grieving the death of your child can be back breaking, heart breaking, even soul crushing. It can take YEARS before the parent feels like themselves again. Not who they used to be but who they are now. Because the grief can be so very consuming, there are often things said by the innocent parents in these mixed groups that comes off as wrong, cruel or just too painful to read for the parent who has experienced that grief…

I am over six years out so I don’t get triggered like I used to. Sometimes I will offer a differing opinion and sometimes I won’t when I read a post that reads “wrong” to me. But there was a post today that had me thinking. As I read it something inside me responded intensely. Something screamed NO!! This is not how it works!!! But I could not verbalize why until I had a discussion about it. THEN I got it. This was the trigger sentence – “ For the families who have suffered loss we promise our boys will live their lives to the fullest in honor of your angels.” that got to me.

I am not in judgement of the person who wrote the post. But this concept that she described, I am in judgement of that. There is no honoring my child with your child living their life to the fullest…. Don’t get me wrong, I hope these children have amazing and wonderful lives, as I wish all people to have. When we are fulfilled we make choices in the place of security, not fear, and that is better for all of us on this planet. But her children living their life to the fullest does not honor my child in any way.  The honoring of another is in the work or the giving to others, not in the rewards you receive. Saying I am going to raise one million dollars to honor someone but then keeping it is not honoring anyone but myself. There is nothing wrong in raising/earning/having a million dollars but if you have it and keep it for yourself, you are not honoring anyone but yourself. So please don’t say it is otherwise.

Just about every faith or religion calls upon it’s believers to give to those less fortunate or in need. When you contact the Cancer Society and say you want to honor someone they will be expecting a donation of some kind. You are confused if you believe that living well and doing nothing for others with the gains and windfalls of that life is honoring anyone but yourself.

Saying that in honor of my dead child, you will be happy and live a full life does not actually do anything for me or my child, or anyone else who may face the same experience… But maybe it makes you feel better?

Live your full life and offer up your work and be of service to another, that is honoring someone.



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