I Am Not Unbreakable – Thank You Gilmore Girls

I watched the Gilmore Girls newest season on Netflix Friday. There were some parts I loved and some not so much. I was moved to tears, not necessarily because of the plot or characters but because of the music, or at least one song in particular. It’s at the end of episode 3, if you are interested.

“I know how everyone else’s life

Is supposed to fly by

Then someone turns and says

What about you?

And I stand here

Mouth open

Mind blank

This should have all work itself out by now

The map of my life should be clear and precise

With little red dashes and circles so nice

Showing roadblocks

And landmines

Oh, I am not unbreakable

I am breaking right now

Maybe everyone can’t have the dream

Maybe everyone can’t kiss the frog

Maybe it’ll be me and a dog

And the little stuff dolphins on the floor

And a little dog door

Oh, I am not unbreakable

I am breaking right now

I need to be unbreakable

Somehow

It’s never

Or now”

I sat alone in my living room after everyone had gone to bed and played that scene over and over again because it touched something within me. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. I know it’s a part of the human experience to hit those spaces in life when we look around and ask “How did I get here?” Thankfully, I hit one of those this weekend.

There is so much in my life that is amazing and wonderful. Loving both of my beautiful boys is one of life’s biggest gifts, as is raising my surviving son. There is so much in my life that has been difficult, exhausting, and lonely. I have worked so hard, since the birth of my boys, to be unbreakable. The demands of the pregnancy, premature birth, death of one son and the continued NICU stay of my surviving son started me on my unbreakable path. Then other losses and accidents and challenges in the following years just grew my need to be unbreakable. I had big demands on me. Not getting up and not functioning is not an option to a single parent, especially the single parent who is caring for a child who faces different/more challenges than the norm. It’s so easy to begin to isolate because of just how exhausting it can be to do anything different. None of this is anyone’s fault, per se, it was me doing the best I could at the time. I created an unbreakable wall that I now find within myself. I did not create it out of fear of being hurt or because I don’t trust other people but because I needed something to help keep me standing up when I was empty with nothing left to give to anyone. I had to believe I was unbreakable or I would fall.

As time went on and life happened, that unbreakable-ness had to get bigger, more solid, and more rigid to hold me up. It is a common spiritual understanding that form follows thought. And so by thinking I had to be unbreakable, I created a metaphorical wall to hold me up, that wall was my physical body. If my physical body continued to stand regardless of what happened, then I really was unbreakable. And I did. I stood through it all. Fast forward to now, my neck and spine are often in pain, causing movement limitation, I have other pain throughout my body and migraines that neither my yoga nor meditation practice has been able to release, and I have added over 30lbs to my frame in the past 3 years.  Whether it was the “right” choice or “wrong” choice is not the point. It’s what I did and it worked – until it stopped working. What kept me upright has become the very thing that has stopped other support from coming in, as walls are also often barriers. I think everything happens when it is ready to happen. I got myself here and now it’s time to change so that I can go further. The unbreakable must break. So that I can transform, heal, and continue to grow.

And the short little song in the newest season of Gilmore Girls fed this understanding to me in a way that I wouldn’t fight it. It hit me right when I wasn’t expecting it. It was presented in a way that I enjoyed (the TV show) so my rational mind was not ready to defend my choices, ego. There is truth, wisdom, opportunities to learn in every moment we are in, if we allow ourselves to see them. (Really there is. Ever ask a question about your life, opened a random book to a random page only to read something that answered your question? Try it if you haven’t. It can be an amazing experience.) I had been asking Life what I needed to know or to do to help with my physical health and to let go of the excess weight I am carrying. I got my answer. I was vulnerable and unsuspecting when this little song popped out of nowhere and played on my TV. I heard it and I listened.

I am breaking right now.

It’s a good start.

fall-apart

 

 

 

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