Seven years today I birthed the lights of my life into this world
Nolan Gabriel was born at 1:55am
Eli Michael was born at 2:00am
And while I only have one light shining with me in this life, the other is still close, amongst the stars and shining down on us.
This day is an amazing day of celebration and yet when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was cry. And so I did. While I made birthday cupcakes, I cried.
The birthday celebration will be done in rainbow colors, breakfast will be bagels from Einstein Bros, local family are coming over for cake and ice cream, “Happy Birthday to You” will be sung and Eli’s candle will be lit all day, every day until September 15th, the day he died.
Nolan has continued to grow up – 4’1″ and 58 lbs by last measurement. He is adding and subtracting and is taking weekly spelling tests. He recites at least 5 books by memory including at least 3 Dr Seuss. He reads every day and some of his favorite musical artists include; Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Alison Krauss, Sarah McLachlan, India.Arie, Steven Halpern, Van Halen, and Keith Urban. Music is still as important as it has always been. He had his first year in Miracle League baseball and is excited to play again this fall season. His Ty baby collection has grown HUGE. They are taking over his bed. The first time he ever asked for a toy was this year while shopping at “Fry’s store”. It was a Ty beanie baby. Since then every time we go through Fry’s he needs to visit the Ty display. So, we do. Same with Target. He wants to walk through the toy section every time we go. He has a love of all things Mickey and Minnie Mouse. As a matter of fact, he chose his own birthday card, though he doesn’t know yet. He saw a Micky Mouse card and HAD to hold it. So, I spent the EIGHT DOLLARS to buy it for him. He gets it later today. He watched his first movie, granted it was on the couch and he fell asleep before it ended, but “Finding Dory” will always hold a special place in our hearts. He continues to overcome both his autism and apraxia of speech communication challenges. He has a will like I have never seen. He DOES NOT give up. This can make him a “challenge” to parent sometimes but I know it has/will serve him well as he continues to grow and take on the challenges that come with his growth in this world.
Eli continues to show me signs that he is near with beautiful Eli skies. Every so often Nolan will ask me to sing the song I made up for him about Eli while he was still in the NICU. I don’t think about what should have been much anymore but I do feel the absence of Eli’s presence every day. Sometimes it brings tears, sometimes a deep sigh and sometimes a smile. I continue my work at the TTTS Support Team because of my love for Eli. It gives it definition and movement. I get to watch it grow… I know someday I will see, be with, hold him again. However that looks I will know how it feels. I read somewhere that science has seen that our children’s DNA lives within us mothers even after, long after, we have given birth. This means the world to me. There is a part of him inside of me. A part of me that resonates at the same frequency as him. This, if nothing else, will help us find each other, when it is time. Until then he lives within his brother and me, and we love him.
I never wanted boys. I always saw myself with girls.
Boy, was I wrong. These boys and their lives are the best and the most difficult experiences I have ever done in my life. I am blessed beyond my own very limited imagination.
All of my love to both of them.
My Rainbow Maker
My Star Child