Fear

A number of years ago I began a new mantra “I am free of fear.”

When I first started saying it I heard my mind fight back saying “NO – fear is not always bad, sometimes it keeps you safe.”

At first I didn’t know what to say to my mind’s response to my mantra so I did not respond and keep saying to myself “I am free of fear.”  After a day or two I went through it again.  I said my mantra, my mind responded

And then awareness blossomed.  Fear does not keep us safe, wisdom and understanding does.  While being fearful of fire might keep you away from fire it does not necessarily keep you safe from being hurt by fire. If you were put in a situation with fire it is very possible that you would be unable to act to take care of yourself, because of your fear.   But when you can approach fire with wisdom and an understanding of how it works and what it can do, there is no fear.  There is respect. So, no, fear does not necessarily keep us safe from anything, understanding does.

Then I became acutely aware of fear one early morning. I was lying in bed around 4am and suddenly I felt fear.  It was a heaviness, tightness and a darkness. It was like it flew in through my bedroom window. It came out of nowhere. I immediately started to attach reasons as to why I might feel fear.  My mind was trying to put labels to what I was experiencing.  I decided to say no to fear. I turned down all the thoughts and refused to play and attach to any of them. The thoughts became more chaotic, changing and morphing in front of me. Each getting more extreme. I continued to refuse to play. That is when an amazing understanding dawned on me… This fear was a random energy and not attached to a reason like; being unable to pay my bills, failing at my business, being alone forever. It was something separate, outside of me even, unrelated to me.  When I came to this awareness, fear stopped and something amazing happened.  I understood that I did not have to label it to match any experience I had, that I could simply see it as something that was not me, a separate energy and allow it go on by. I now clearly saw my habitual response of feeling fear AND THEN putting a label on it to fit my current situation.  When I stopped there was an instant shift within me. The fear was not mine and since I was choosing not to put a label to it, attach to it, it had no place to land.

For us, for humanity, it is not about eradicating the fear OF SOMETHING it is about DISCONNECTING FROM fear.  Our minds attach the “of something” – whatever it is that fits our life experience, fear of not having enough money, being cheated on, dying, of losing someone we love, losing our status – this list is infinite.  We have believed that when we experience fear there must be a reason for it.  We put a label on it.  I now understood that when we run around healing the fear “of something” we are healing small pieces, which while it is important, it’s not complete.

When we can experience fear as something that is outside of us then we can understand that we do NOT have to accept it as part of our being.  When we see it as something outside of us we can allow it to pass us by.  As fear has fewer humans who refuse to participate in it, it will be transformed to something of the light

Because there will be no other place for it to live.

Fears

Advertisements

Rain

I LOVE how the same thing can mean something very different depending on where I am in life.

Take the rain –

Living in Arizona for so many years, the rain always thrilled me – the coolness, clarity and the scent, oh my, the scent. Is there anything that smells cleaner? Not much. I loved it so much I was sure I would love Portland.

So I moved to Portland.

I did love Portland – And I lost my love affair with rain. It was no longer cool and clean. It became cold, moldy and dark. I learned I missed the HUGE blue sky of Phoenix, the smell of the orange blossoms and the feeling of the daily warmth of the sun.

As I look back, my perception change from rain as a gift to rain as a pain, thrills me!

Rain is rain, right? Or does it depend on how I see the rain more than the actual rain itself?

So, how we see things can actually be more important than the thing itself. Think about the freedom that comes with that. It is not about “what” it is but it is about our perception of it. And our perception is ours. We choose it, we control it, we can change it, if we want.

FindGratitude

Energy Vampires – Yes and No

I was talking with some people about energetic vampires recently. You know the ones, the people who leave you feeling exhausted after spending time with them. They wanted to know how to protect themselves from the vampires without hurting them. First thing I want to mention on this is that I am using the term vampire to mean someone who is an energy drain, not that they “want to suck your blood”, per se, though it might seem like it sometimes. Many of the energy vampires we meet are doing this unconsciously, just to feel better, because they are in pain. Then there are those, narcissist and the such, who take your energy with the intention to harm. This message can work for all types of energy vampires though some, like narcissists, may need more work, focus and support to stop. Protecting your energy from vampires, conscious or not, without them getting upset or angry may or may not be possible, depending on their reasoning and point of view. But it can be done without malice or intention to cause harm. It’s all in the intention.

I think all of us have known people like this in our lives, sometimes we feel free to disengage by ending the relationship. Sometimes it is more difficult due to other situations and influences, like business or family connections. Regardless of the connection, the best way to end the energy drain is to maintain strong personal boundaries. One of the easiest ways to do this is to make sure that any time something shows up to you as harmful, painful or simply not something that resonates with you, this includes observing something happening around you, you hold your boundaries. Do not belittle or berate. Simply, do not agree. Do not participate. Say no.

On the flip side, when we say yes to something we open up our own energy fields to it. This is a good thing. It is how we create/manifest our lives. Your yes is your affirmation to your life and your energy. Direct it mindfully. Use it well. It is powerful.

The power of “Yes”. The power of “No”. Both are full statements, complete sentences and both are equally dynamic. When we do this, we mindfully close access to our energy and ourselves OR we mindfully open access to our energy and ourselves. Our choice.

If you are experiencing an energy vampire ask yourself what are you saying yes to that you would prefer to say no to? When you know that answer you can act mindfully and consciously. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT saying that this will always be easy to do or pain free to act on, it might take practice and you might very well make someone angry, but whatever choice you make you will do it with knowledge and insight and both of those are intensely empowering.

Welcome to your awakening.

No-yes

Pain – And the Popular Lies About It

The often popular idea that admitting, expressing or feeling “bad”, “negative” or “ugly” feelings or feeling physical, mental, emotional or even spiritual pain, is somehow saying that we are weak, or wrong, or not spiritually good enough, is crap. Let’s all agree to stop doing that.

Okay?

No, really… OKAY??

Okay….

There is no shame in feeling pain or sadness or grief. There is no apologizing that needs to occur and often there is no fixing that needs to happen.

Once we give ourselves the space we need to feel what we feel and are strong enough to give others the space they need, to feel what they feel, there will be less pain in this world. It is that easy and that difficult.

When we stuff, hide, deny or lie about our pain we create more pain. When we give our pain space and time to move through, it often will, naturally, on it’s own.

In our human experience we are given every opportunity to grow and evolve, sometimes it is painful – AND – when we allow that pain to move through us, we end up naturally growing and evolving.

Everything you need to evolve is right here, right now. Trust your experience, whatever that may be, even when it’s painful.

Trust

Kindness = Connection

There are very few things that will move me to tears faster that seeing humans being kind. The type of kindness that is natural, instinctive and that happens almost without thought. When we can act in kindness for another simply because we know it is the right thing to do, I believe we become aware of our connection to each other and to the Universe as a whole. And we then become the best version of humanity available to us. Part of the human experience is often a sense of separateness or aloneness. I have learned that when we experience those feelings in our life one of the best things we can do is to make a point to be kind to another and help us reconnect with each other, ourselves and the Universe as a whole. We don’t need to do great acts of heroism or bravery; the kindness given to another that may never be seen or never known, is truly just as powerful. It is in the simple and daily acts of kindness that we build a history of connection.
And in a world of humans scared to share of themselves for fear of rejection or refusal; simple daily kindnesses are the small steps we need to take to a human revolution in spiritual courage. 

No Peace

Are You Living Your Life’s Purpose? -Someone I Didn’t Know Died Today-

Someone I didn’t know died today. Over 200,000 people in the world will die today; all ages, races, religions in all countries of the world. They will die by their hand, another’s actions, mistakes, accidents, crimes, quietly or with much trauma. All day. Every day. And on most days I have never met them on this 3D physical plane. I might then believe that I do not know how they changed the world, who they loved, who loved them, what brought them joy or the pain they caused or carried but I would be wrong.

Someone I didn’t know died today but I have been given the opportunity to feel their spirit and see their light through the words and feelings of those who knew them. The work they did. They love they expressed. I am reminded just how small and just how substantial my personal human experience is in this vast Universe. All of those things that I devote my time and energy to, do they tell the story of who I truly am, what I love and where I find my joy? While I know that our human deaths are simply a passing from one energy field to another, there is a finality and limitations to what we can do while we are in human form. That is the whole concept of being in human form; working within the structure and limitations of the physical plane.

Someone I didn’t know died today. Did they live the purpose of their life? Did they do so with passion and abandon? In my work I talk with many people regarding finding the purpose of their life. My simple answer to “What is my purpose?”

Is

Living so that everyone who knows you knows what you love, what makes you shine, what brings you joy, what lights you up and what heals you. That is your legacy. That is what we energetically leave on this human plane when we go. This is how we change the physical world. Share what you love with love in any way you can, whenever you can. The work of your life is to free yourself of all limitations. And even if there are millions of people who didn’t know you and never met you, you know that you have made a positive impact on this world. That you have used your time on this earth powerfully and many have and will gain from your loving life in ways you could never imagine. Like ripples of love in this universe of energetic consciousness.

In this way your life is limitless and endless, always and forever. And then even if I have never met you or never heard of you on this 3D physical plane I know you by the signature of your energy, of your love.

Love

Happy Seventh Birthday

Seven years

Seven years today I birthed the lights of my life into this world

Nolan Gabriel was born at 1:55am

Eli Michael was born at 2:00am

And while I only have one light shining with me in this life, the other is still close, amongst the stars and shining down on us.

This day is an amazing day of celebration and yet when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was cry. And so I did. While I made birthday cupcakes, I cried.

The birthday celebration will be done in rainbow colors, breakfast will be bagels from Einstein Bros, local family are coming over for cake and ice cream, “Happy Birthday to You” will be sung and Eli’s candle will be lit all day, every day until September 15th, the day he died.

Nolan has continued to grow up – 4’1″ and 58 lbs by last measurement. He is adding and subtracting and is taking weekly spelling tests. He recites at least 5 books by memory including at least 3 Dr Seuss. He reads every day and some of his favorite musical artists include; Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Alison Krauss, Sarah McLachlan, India.Arie, Steven Halpern, Van Halen, and Keith Urban. Music is still as important as it has always been. He had his first year in Miracle League baseball and is excited to play again this fall season. His Ty baby collection has grown HUGE. They are taking over his bed. The first time he ever asked for a toy was this year while shopping at “Fry’s store”. It was a Ty beanie baby. Since then every time we go through Fry’s he needs to visit the Ty display. So, we do. Same with Target. He wants to walk through the toy section every time we go. He has a love of all things Mickey and Minnie Mouse. As a matter of fact, he chose his own birthday card, though he doesn’t know yet. He saw a Micky Mouse card and HAD to hold it. So, I spent the EIGHT DOLLARS to buy it for him. He gets it later today. He watched his first movie, granted it was on the couch and he fell asleep before it ended, but “Finding Dory” will always hold a special place in our hearts. He continues to overcome both his autism and apraxia of speech communication challenges. He has a will like I have never seen. He DOES NOT give up. This can make him a “challenge” to parent sometimes but I know it has/will serve him well as he continues to grow and take on the challenges that come with his growth in this world.

Eli continues to show me signs that he is near with beautiful Eli skies.  Every so often Nolan will ask me to sing the song I made up for him about Eli while he was still in the NICU. I don’t think about what should have been much anymore but I do feel the absence of Eli’s presence every day. Sometimes it brings tears, sometimes a deep sigh and sometimes a smile. I continue my work at the TTTS Support Team because of my love for Eli. It gives it definition and movement. I get to watch it grow… I know someday I will see, be with, hold him again. However that looks I will know how it feels. I read somewhere that science has seen that our children’s DNA lives within us mothers even after, long after, we have given birth. This means the world to me. There is a part of him inside of me. A part of me that resonates at the same frequency as him. This, if nothing else, will help us find each other, when it is time. Until then he lives within his brother and me, and we love him.

I never wanted boys. I always saw myself with girls.

Boy, was I wrong. These boys and their lives are the best and the most difficult experiences I have ever done in my life. I am blessed beyond my own very limited imagination.

All of my love to both of them.

My Rainbow Maker

My Star Child